FOR YOU GUNNS

I have avoided my blog for so many reasons... something doesn't seem right about just posting about the birth of of my sweet baby boy..then 11 short weeks later having to post about his memorial services..I hate the word funeral, so I don't say it very often... surreal, probably is the best word that can describe my feelings. It has been one month since our sweet baby boy returned home to his Father in Heaven. I don't want my blog to turn into my sad life, cause I actually feel quite on the contrary. I have never felt so loved in all my life. I won't blog about Gunns very often, I'm not good with words and I don't feel like anything I can write will ever sufficiently say how I'm feeling...but I felt strongly impressed to write about him today.

GUNNER

To my handsome boy,

Gunner when I married your daddy, I knew right away that he and I had something extra special…. We love and admire each other more than the average couple…because of what I have already experienced in my life, I am able to love and appreciate your daddy and the things that he does in a way that nobody else could I think.. I have learned to never take anything for granted..
We wanted a baby so badly especially after our first year of marriage.. as more time went by we REALLY wanted a baby. When that didn’t happen for us right away I started to get sad and worried thinking that maybe we weren’t going to be able to have kids together.. so Gunns when we finally got pregnant when I took that pregnancy test, I sat there and held that test in my hand and cried with joy for 10 straight minutes! The first thing I did, before I even told your daddy was say a prayer. I prayed to Heavenly Father and I thanked him over and over again! I promised Him that I would be the best mommy I could to you! I know it took us extra long to get pregnant with you because Heavenly Father wanted us to be extra excited and ready for you to come! He knew we would not be taking you for granted! You know what, before we even found out for sure from the doctor, Daddy and I both knew that you would be a boy.. we just knew it! Everyone told daddy and I that we were going to have all girls.. but we knew they were wrong! Your sisters asked me everyday if it was almost time for you to arrive, they were so excited! They wanted a baby brother from day one!
I had a great pregnancy with you Gunns! I NEVER got sick.. You were so active, you kicked all the time! We found out from the doctors that I had extra amniotic fluid so we had to get a lot of extra tests and ultrasounds done. Everything that could cause the extra fluid they couldn’t find.. we were grateful even though it made my belly EXTRA large, so large that I always measured more than a month bigger than I should have been.. we were grateful though cause we got to get a lot of pictures of you, we got to get to know you a little bit before you were even born! I had already fallen head over heels in love with you. We knew you were going to be such a handsome boy. I remember looking at my ultrasound pictures and thinking I could not wait to meet that sweet face.
There was so much to do before you arrived.. We spent 9 months fixing up our house..I made sure daddy fixed your room up just right! And he did, it was perfect, I was so proud to show people your room! There was so much to buy, a crib, carseat and stroller! It took us 2 days to even decide which car seat and stroller to get you. I wanted to make sure we got you the perfect one! I had bought you so many clothes Gunns! So much, I was embarrassed to let people look in your closet! I LOVED buying you clothes!
With all the worry with the extra fluid, they kept telling me you could come early.. I knew you wouldn’t and Heavenly Father confirmed to me that you would be fine! And you were Gunns, you were perfect! My delivery was almost too easy! I pushed 3 times and out you came! I didn’t have to get an episiotomy or anything! Before I even realized I was done, the doctor placed you in my lap! I got to see my sweet, handsome boy’s face for the first time! The first thing I did was look at your chin, I had been praying you would get your daddy’s dimple chin, and you did! I was so proud of that chin, cutest thing I had ever seen..You were so small and perfect, 7 lbs 11oz and 19 ¾ inches long! Your daddy was so happy, he couldn’t keep his eyes off of you , I remember just watching him and thinking how sweet that was, he looked so happy. You were born into an entourage of people.. there was daddy of course, Grammy, Pappa, Wendi, Joan, Jillian, Grammy G and we even convinced Pappa G to stay for the big event! So many people so excited to meet you! That night in the hospital, you were awake and just wanted to be held, daddy was fast asleep so I was the lucky one. I just held you in bed with me and stared at you all night long! I just remember thinking you had the cutest face ever! You had this perfect round, bald head!
You have a special name buddy.. I fell in love with the name Gunner from the moment I first heard it. It was special and unique just like you! You’re middle name Gene comes from a pretty special guy too, your daddy! When you came out with your daddy’s big eyes, dimple chin, and big feet with your 2nd toe longer than your big toe, just like his, I just knew we had to name you after him!
Babies only stay newborn for such a short while so I remember distinctly telling myself I was going to enjoy every minute of you being small.. Even when you would cry, or want to eat constantly, or keep me awake at night, I would just look at your sweet little face and those big eyes staring at me I couldn’t help but smile. No matter how many times I had to wake up with you during the night, I was always so excited to see your sweet face in the morning.. even if I had just seen it 2 hours before. You brought us more joy than you can even imagine Gunns, you truly connected our little family!
It was very rare to see you not being held, either by me or daddy or Tatum and Peyton! Your big sisters loved holding you bud, they loved playing with you, or giving you your binky, they loved to throw away your dirty diapers and they loved to help give you your baths.. They were 2 very proud big sisters! Grammy would come over and notice that you always wanted to be held, she said we were spoiling you.. You were Gunns, you were so spoiled! And I am so glad you were! Peyton was determined from day one that your nickname would be Gunny buns..She still says every day, I miss my Gunny buns! We were pretty selfish with you, we didn’t take you out much, we kept you cooped up here at home with us! We made sure everyone washed their hands before they got to touch you, we were so careful with you bud.
Daddy helped me so much with you too, the moment he would walk in the door from work, he would grab you and hold you, he was always so excited to see you…and I think you were pretty excited to see him too.. Daddy and I used to always jokingly argue about who you loved more..I of course said you loved me and Daddy always insisted that you loved him…I still say it was me :) but deep down I knew it probably was him! You were such a happy boy Gunns, you smiled at such an early age! Oh, and that smile, one that is forever engrained in my memory! I’ll never forget the way you would smile and the way your big blue eyes would light up when you knew someone was coming to pick you up!
Our house is forever filled with memories of you… the sink where you took your baths..the couch where you layed on our many pillows and where I spent many hours sitting and feeding you..the floor where I changed a countless number of your diapers….my bed where I sometimes got to snuggle up with you at night…our computer where daddy used to sit and hold you with one arm and do his work with the other…the girls room where we said family prayer every night and the girls would fight to be the first one to kiss you goodnight….of course, your bedroom that is still filled with your scent, where you took your last breath and went home to a loving Heavenly Father…
Gunner thank you for waiting for us on Valentine’s night, thank you for still being awake! Thank you for giving us those last precious moments with you, our special boy! I will cherish that last time I held you and kissed you forever and I know so will Daddy! We know you didn’t struggle, your blanket was just as Daddy put it when he put you to bed, we know you went to sleep and Heavenly Father peacefully took you home! We know you knew something that we didn’t.. you knew you would be going home, you knew you had special work to do. Please forgive us for crying and being so sad, we know you are ok, and are working hard.. Just know Gunns we are working hard too, so that we can someday be worthy to be with you again. Don’t worry about us bud, we will be there.. that I am sure of... there is nothing that we want more! I am honored you chose me to be your mommy! Thank you for filling our lives with love and with hope of a better tomorrow! Just know that there won’t be a day that goes by that I won’t be thinking of you..everything I do and everywhere I go, there you will be too! Mommy loves you handsome boy!
Hugs & Kisses forever,
Mommy
I MISS YOU BUDDY
One month ago, it was Sunday February 15th, I asked Trav to wake the baby up and to start getting him ready for our 9:00 church. By the tone of Trav's voice I immediately knew something was wrong. He brought the baby out, I took one look at him and ran for the phone. I made a mother's worst nightmare phone call.."My baby's not breathing my address is...." As I'm on the phone with the 911 operator, our home phone died! I frantically picked up Trav's cell and made the call again. Then I hear "Mam, your breaking up, I can't hear you!". .I remember that Trav had been having problems with his cell! I felt a total loss of all control! We started CPR, luckily shortly after the firemen were at our door. Help was finally here! Although, I felt little relief because Trav and I both knew our baby boy was gone. I knew it the moment I saw him and so did Trav. Of course we still had hope. Before I knew it our house was filled with people...firemen, paramedics, and cops. Trav, me and the girls were whisked away into another room. All I wanted to do was be with my baby. So many questions, the same questions over and over. They took Gunns away in the ambulance.. Not letting Trav and I go with him. Nobody would tell us what was going on. Finally, we were given a ride to the hospital in a fire chief battalion truck, sirens and all..right when we arrived at the hospital we were whisked away into yet another room, the quiet room as I like to call it, and I was asked to sit. It was a rocking chair and I knew that wasn't a good sign. We were so scared and confused. I just wanted to be with him and be there for him. Finally, a nurse came in and led us to Gunns. We walked into a room that looked like a scene straight out of a movie.. Doctors and nurses everywhere, so many machines and loud noises, my sweet baby with tubes everywhere..The head doctor came over, looked us straight in the eye and told us as of right now there were no signs of life, but they were doing all that they can. He told us to walk over to Gunns and say all that we needed to say. I ran to him and held his hand and told him to breathe for mommy and that I loved him, that I loved him so much. They moved Gunns onto a warmer in a last attempt. The doctor once again looked us right in the eye and said they had been working on him for over 30 minutes, there were no vital signs and he wanted our permission for them to go ahead and stop. Trav and I already had our confirmation that he was gone. He was gone, and we knew it without a doubt. We were quickly rushed out of the emergency room. As I was being walked out I glanced behind my back at my baby, he was laying there all alone, wearing only one tiny sock. Then I fainted. I woke up to a cold hospital floor and the sickest feeling I have ever had.. We were walked back to the "quiet room" where we just sat.. back in my dreaded rocking chair... What had just happened?? Before we could take it all in we were surrounded with people we loved. We said a family prayer and I was given an amazing blessing by our bishop. From that moment on all I wanted to do was hold Gunner. It seemed like so much time had passed, when the nurse walked in and finally led us to our baby.. What a sight that was.. our sweet baby, lifeless, laying on a hospital bed wrapped up in a blue blanket, with a little brown teddy bear laying next to him... He looked perfect just like a little angel.. What a spiritual experience that was.. holding my precious baby for the last time in this life...

THANK YOU
After that moment, it has been nothing but an outpouring of love. I never knew such a little baby would have an effect on so many people...I want to thank each and every one of you for surrounding us with your love and support! I am truly in awe by the selfless love and service that has been shown to us! We thank you for the continued thoughts and prayers made in our family's behalf.. There aren't enough words to truly say how grateful we are! I'm so grateful for our Savior who has wrapped His loving arms around my little family and has carried our family through this terrible time..We are so grateful for the many tender mercies that have taken place and that are still taking place... I'm so grateful for our two beautiful girls, who give me a reason to wake up and smile everyday! I'm so thankful for my husband Travis, he is my best friend..together we will make it through this. At times when I don't think I can deal, he is always there to lift me up..I know our relationship will be forever strengthened because of what we have endured together. Each day is a battle..but knowing that I WILL see my baby boy again helps bring me peace and gives me a firmer resolve to live my life even more righteously! I can't wait for that day.. when I can hold my sweet Gunner again and live forever with my family!